'N' is for Neville, who died of ennui

I plan on doing great things one day. In the meantime, I have a job. And a 401k. And a blog.

I wrote this post one week ago

I have been trying to post for a  solid week now.  For whatever reason, my blog post page would not load.  Would not load no matter how much I begged/threatened.  It wouldn’t load on Evan’s computer.  It wouldn’t load on Paul’s computer.  It wouldn’t load using AOL, Mozilla, or Internet Explorer.  And I was trapped, unable to post, feeling like a horrible blogger.  But now it works.  Thank Jesus.

My nail polish is blue.  The old ladies at work did not know what to do with themselves today when they saw it.  They asked me why I was wearing it.  I told them because I thought it was kicky.  They said, “kinky?”  I said, no, kicky.  They said they loved that word and would incorporate it into their vocabularies right away.

Secret Enemies

Secret enemy is a term introduced to me by my friend, Emily.  Emily found that, in certain situations in life, you find yourself coming in daily contact with a person that you can’t stand.  It won’t be that person’s fault: just something inherent about them that makes you want to foil their plans.  You just assume they’re up to no good.  Because you don’t like this person and don’t want to pursue any kind of a relationship with them, you don’t talk to them.  Most times you don’t even know their name.  You never acknowledge them, but you notice them, and every time you do you wish you had the wherewithal to plot their downfall. Thus, secret enemy. 

I currently have two secret enemies.  Both of them go to my gym.

Secret Enemy #1

Is a man.  When I first started going to this new gym, he noticed me immediately.  And smiled at me.  It was a broad, toothy smile, one where his face was full of recognition.  Because, apparently, he thought he knew me.  But, clearly, he doesn’t, so I just looked the other way because I didn’t want to embarrass the man.  Except, the next day I went to the gym it happened again.  Saw me, gave me a big, toothy “Hey, there you are,” smile.  And I once again quickly looked away, because I don’t know him.

The third time it happened I started to get pissed.  Clearly, this man knows that he does not know me.  If he hasn’t figured that part out yet, he should be able to figure out that at the very least I do not know him.  But he continues to smile at me, that kind of smile where, if I show the faintest flicker of anything reciprocal he will come over and talk to me. And I can not let that happen.

Explanation: I’m angry at the gym.  It’s the angriest part of my day.  Because I just got done with working and I’m tired and hungry and I don’t wanna work out but I’m forcing myself to because I know it’s good for me and I’ll feel better afterwards but it’s not afterwards it’s right in the middle of the red-face, sweaty, angriest part and the last thing I want to do in that moment is make a new fucking friend. 

A decent person would have quit smiling.  But he is not decent.  He is a creepy skank.  It has been three months and the bitch has yet to see me and not try to engage me in a smile.  He thinks that if he just keeps smiling I’ll eventually smile back and then he can come over and talk to me and we’ll get married and have skank babies.  But that will never happen.  I will never smile back at him and I swear, if he ever tries to talk to me I’m gonna smash him in the face with my Nalgene bottle.  Because why does he think he gets to smile at me?  Seriously, it’s creeptastic and I don’t see him doing to anyone else and is it because he thinks I’m cute and who the fuck cares if he does because I’m not in the mood to have a creep laser focused on me.  And I bet he thinks he’s being nice, but he’s not.  Because he has creeped me out enough that if I ever find myself alone in the parking lot with him I’m gonna have to pre-emptively attack him with my Nalgene bottle, just in case he’s ½  as creepy as he seems. 

Secret Enemy #2

Is a lady.  Also at my gym.  I first noticed her in the locker room, where she was with a friend.  They were talking about their fitness plans and then I heard her say this:

“I’m such a pig.  I ate a salad and a Lean Cuisine for lunch today.” 

And with that line, my hatred was formed.  She then stood in front of the mirror, compelling her friend to look at her belly fat and agree that it was totally gross.  Except she didn’t have any belly fat, but her friend sort of did and you could tell her friend was very uncomfortable with the “belly fat is worse than death” tone of the conversation, except psycho diet girl would not let up. 

But apparently her starvation/horrid bitch diet plan is going well, because I saw her parading around the locker room in her underwear the other day, examining herself in front of each and every mirror, looking pleased each time.  Good for her.  Maybe I’ll hook her up with the creepy smile guy so they can have secret enemy babies.

posted by: serenaluchang at 05/30/05 21:20 | link | comments (12) |

Comments:

#1  30 May 2005 - 23:54

 

the human race is my secret enemy.

wooh, i feel like an outlaw now.

Anonymous

#2  01 June 2005 - 03:07

 

My secret enemy is from work. I hate her because she uses the door closest to me to come back into the office after she uses the bathroom instead of going through the foyer to the one closest to her desk (and the one she uses to get to the bathroom in the first place). She doesn't talk to anyone so it's not like she's using "my" door as an excuse for social interaction. I'd like to smash her face in - that's not wrong is it?

Anonymous

#3  01 June 2005 - 14:20

 

i love you serena you friggin' skankless belly fat whore!

Anonymous

#4  01 June 2005 - 14:40

 

Even if you only post once a year, I'll still love your blog simply because of entries like this one.

When your page loads and loads, trying closing your Motime windows and clearing out your cache. If it still doesn't work, while you are on the page that says "Loading, loading, loading, loading, etc..." Hold down the CTRL key and press F5. If THAT doesn't work, ask Howard, because he's really smart.

Anyway, I had a secret enemy once. He worked in my office and looked exactly like Michael J Fox, in the "Family Ties" days, except that he always had a gigantic herpes blister on his lip. If that's not bad enough, he would constantly run his tongue over the aforementioned herpes blister. It's impossible to look someone in the eye when they're carrying on in such a way. God, I hated him. I hated him so much that when I first saw the commercials for the Herpes medication, where the people with herpes are kayaking and camping and having a wonderful fun-filled life, I was angry, because he doesn't deserve such happiness. Nasty boy.

AmericanGirl

#5  02 June 2005 - 17:40

 

I have had, so, so many secret enemies in the course of my life.
There are several who come into my work. I think they are flattered that I know them by name. They should reconsider that.

Anonymous

#6  03 June 2005 - 10:50

 

Skank man with skank babies. It was right at that line that I snarfed my diet coke. Ouch.

Yoshick

#7  03 June 2005 - 14:43

 

anger there is much, to the dark side you may fall

Anonymous

#8  05 June 2005 - 13:42

 

just enjoyed (as usual) catching up on your blog. i remember casting for my show last year - the first night was this huge blizzard and only 2 girls showed up (but one of them was awesome and we cast her). the next night was a good female turnout, but we didn't get one guy, from the dozen or so who emailed/called saying they were interested. i ended up casting a friend and he was great. also ran into quite a few of 'oh-man-you-shouldn't-even-sing-in-the-shower-what-were-you-thinking' people. and this being my first show, i was not overly critical, but really, it was like the worst of american idol. good luck on your show.

bluematrix

#9  09 June 2005 - 03:18

 

ooh #2 just sounds exactly like my kind of secret enemy ~

darkscarlette

#10  06 July 2005 - 16:30

 

Ah, secret enemies. But not quite as bad as frienemies (a word I am probably late in adopting). I think I probably have more frienemies than secret enemies, and they are more time consuming and less fun.

. . . .adding you to my blogroll. . . .

Anonymous

#11  26 September 2005 - 13:56

 

It is true , sometimes one realize someone who is trying to get in touch with yourself but you dislike(him or her),is a kind of 6th sense that alert you about them even if they had done nothing to you...there is no chemestry among some people... also there are some "smiles" that do not have feeling of love.... Follow your inspiration in personal relationships.

Anonymous

#12  10 December 2005 - 00:43

 

One time when I was in the women's locker room at my gym a woman who had a body most of us would kill for started a conversation with me while she was naked from head to toe.

She had a fantastic body, and is standing there 100% exposed, and she starts complaining to me that she is in such terrible shape and is so unhappy with her body.

I didn't really have a problem with the fact that she was nude, it certainly wasn't anything I hadn't seen before and all. But it did piss me off that a woman with a body I would kill to have is standing there telling me that she is in terrible shape!

Anyway, your one remark about the woman in her underwear that was complaining about herself reminded me of that occasion that I just mentioned.

Anonymous

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