'N' is for Neville, who died of ennui

I plan on doing great things one day. In the meantime, I have a job. And a 401k. And a blog.

What I Did This Weekend

Received a brand new nickname

A transcript of part of a call I took Friday afternoon (as best I can remember):

Customer: You know, you have the smoothest phone voice I have ever heard.   Really, it sounds like a tape recorder.

Me: Thank you.  I’m not a tape recorder, but thank you.

Customer: But seriously, your voice is so smooth.  Like a robot. 

Me: Thanks.  (laughing) I am an actual person.  

Customer: Well, you have a very nice voice.

Me: Thanks.  And thanks for calling.  Bye. 

Customer: Bye, my robot love.

So from now on everyone must refer to me as “my robot love” for at least a week.  Because it is funny.

Fought with people who work at Dunkin’ Donuts

Friday evening I stopped by Dunkin’ Donuts on my way to Paul’s house.  I wanted a caffeine pick-up and it’s always much easier to wake Paul up if I have a cup of delicious Dunkin’ Donuts coffee with me for him (for those who don’t know, Paul works nights, which means that on his nights off I get to leave work and then wake up my boyfriend so we can go play.  It also means that if he goes out drinking after work, I get drunk-dialed at 12 in the afternoon.  Have you ever talked to drunk person on the phone while you’re at work?  It makes you feel like one of you is doing something very wrong, but you’re not sure who.) 

So I go to the drive-thru and I order a regular coffee for Paul and an iced coffee for me. Because I’m a lady and it was hot outside.  And then I pull forward and give the Dunkin’ Donuts dude my money and the Dunkin’ Donuts dude presents me with two regular coffees.  A transcript (as best I can remember):

Me: No, I wanted one to be iced.

Dude: (Handing me the coffees) Yes.

Me: (Not taking the coffees) No.  One should be in ice.  On ice. 

Dude: (Still handing me the coffees) Ice.  Yes.

Me:  There should be ice on the coffee.  In the cup.

Dude:  (Confused) Yes.

Me: Um…cold?  One should be cold.

Dude: Oh! Cold.  OK.

So, I don’t know what he thought “iced” meant, but I’m glad I had more than one word indicative of ice in my vocabulary.  Dude came back with one coffee iced, gave both coffees to me, and asked me for my money.  I told him I had given him my money.  He told me no, he needed the money.  I pointed to the place where my money was clearly sitting, by his elbow.  He said, “Oh!”  and took it, giving me my change.  Then I told dude I would probably need a straw for my iced coffee, as it was either that or lap it out of the top of cup.  He said, “Oh!” and gave me 12 straws.

The very next day, I am again at the same Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru.  I am there to get coffee and one doughnut for my trip to Indianapolis to surprise my mommy for Mother’s Day.  At the drive-thru, I tell the Dunkin’ Donuts lady that I would like a regular coffee and 1 doughnut.  I tell that I would like the doughnut to be strawberry frosted.  A transcript (as best I can remember):

Lady: Do you want two doughnuts?

Me: No, just one.

Lady: But it comes with two doughnuts. 

Me: I would only like one, please.  Just one.

Lady: OK.  (pause) We’re out of strawberry frosted.  What other kind would you like?

Me: Oh, chocolate frosted would be OK.

Lady: OK, pull forward.

So I do, and I pay her and she hands me my coffee and a bag with my doughnut in it.  Only, after I’ve pulled away from the window, I notice there are two doughnuts in the bag.  One chocolate and one strawberry frosted.  Conclusion: the Dunkin’ Donuts lady used subterfuge to trick me into revealing to her my second doughnut choice.  I don’t know how difficult it must be on her end to sell only one doughnut, but there must be some complex paperwork shit involved for her to resort to such trickery.

Inadvertently saw a high school play

When I got to my parents’ house in Indianapolis my mom was outside, gardening.  I drove up, jumped out of the car and ran across the yard to her, yelling, “Happy Mother’s Day!”  She was, of course, surprised and excited to see me.  And we hugged and it was nice and then she said, “I’m going to kill your father.”  I asked why and she said, “For not telling you.”  I told her that dad didn’t know that I was coming, and asked what she thought he should have told me.  My mom got a “wow, you’re not going to want to hear this” look on her face and said, “That we’re going to Merriville tonight.”

For those who don’t know: Merriville is a town just one hour south of Chicago on I-65.  It is also two hours north of Indianapolis on I-65, which means that I drove right past this town when I was 1/3 of my way home to surprise my mommy. 

Turns out a woman my parents went to high school with is a high school theater teacher out there and she was mounting a production of a play she and my dad had been in together when they were in high school.  And, since I had come down to spend time with my mommy for Mother’s Day, I had no choice but to get right back in a car and drive two hours north to go see this play.

When we got there, we went backstage to see my parents’ friend before the show.  I could see all the kids in their stage make-up and costumes and, when they saw us, they all got very excited.  Apparently my parents’ friend had told them that the guy (my dad) who had been in the play with her thirty years ago was coming to see it, and they all thought that was terrific.  And maybe it was because my dad showed up in a suit jacket, but as soon as they realized who he was the kids started showing him the kind of respect usually reserved for actual theater critics.  “Oh, I hope you like it,”  “I’m so nervous that you’re here,” “I hope my accent is good enough.  I’ve been practicing for a while,” “I can’t believe you actually came!”

And I suddenly realized: this is Waiting for Guffman.  These kids thought my dad actually was some sort of theater critic.  Or at least someone very important and learned in terms of theater.  After the show, they all rushed over to him: “We saw you laughing.  Did you like it?  I watched you through the curtain when I wasn’t on stage, and I saw you smiling.  You did like it, didn’t you?”  I mean, these kids were ignoring their own parents to make sure that my dad enjoyed the show.  He assured them that he thought it was quite good and they were relieved.  And then, they asked if they could take pictures with him.  Swear to God.  My mom and I just stood back, making “is this really happening?” faces at each other.  My dad is going to be in some kid’s high school scrap book.

Learned I was having auditions

Because I am directing a play.  A play written by Evan and starring whoever it is we cast in these auditions we have next week.  I will be sure to tell you all about them as soon as they are over, but in the meantime I have to remember how to audition people.  I did direct in college, but that was like four years ago and fucked if I can’t remember a single theater warm-up.  Your homework: leave examples of theater warm-ups in the comments.  Extra-credit: also leave a title for Evan’s play.  It is a collection of sketches he wrote, knit together by monologues given by a crabby old man.  The current working title is “I took off my shirt to teach you a lesson.”  I know.  We can do better. 

posted by: serenaluchang at 05/08/05 23:39 | link | comments (19) |

Comments:

#1  09 May 2005 - 05:51

 

blue bugs bleed black blood and black bugs bleed blue blood. the big blue bug bit the big brown bear and the big brown bear bled blue blood.

Anonymous

#2  09 May 2005 - 05:51

 

you love new york, you need new york, you know you love unique new york.

Anonymous

#3  09 May 2005 - 06:52

 

Maybe you'd better have the Dunkin Donuts coffee tested, possibly check the frosting too. These employees are obviously impaired or under the influence.

Good luck with your casting. Sounds like great fun.

InMyLife

#4  09 May 2005 - 07:47

 

Get the auditionees to read your Dunkin' Donuts or Robot Love dialogues - Pure theatre gold.

As for the title? It must have something Evan in it. For example: Evan Better Than the Real Thing.
Pure theatre gold.

elcwriting

#5  09 May 2005 - 08:04

 

Anytime a group of H.S. or community theatre actors are told that someone the director knows is coming to see THEIR play, they go apeshit.

Which is what is so great about Guffman. It's funny 'cause it's true.

And don't forget the best vocal warm up ever: "Bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks."

SadProfessor

#6  09 May 2005 - 09:08

 

Moses supposes his toeses are roses. Moses supposes erroneously.

Anonymous

#7  09 May 2005 - 14:45

 

I don't know any theatre warm ups, but boy, am I happy to have avoided working for Dunkin Donuts so far in my life. That's just scary!

Anonymous

#8  09 May 2005 - 17:52

 

If someone called me their 'robot love' I'd get freaked out...

though "Robot Love" would make a good play title, unless the play was neither a love story nor about robots in any way...nor theatre of the absurd...aah high school drama, how I don't miss it at all.

allAkimbo

#9  09 May 2005 - 18:04

 

that donut girl is sneaky.

milktea

#10  09 May 2005 - 22:34

 

call me dopey, but i like that title real good.

what it loses cause of its length it more than makes up for in memorability. and humor.

JStakes

#11  10 May 2005 - 00:17

 

I don't know if this counts as a theatre warm up, but once in drama class we did that thing where you fall backwards and someone has to catch you.

Call the play 'I am so dreadfully lonely'.

Anonymous

#12  10 May 2005 - 00:23

 

1 - hoots for your dad, wonder what father's day is going to be like at your house. I think you should have Sean Connery write her a letter and say she was the one that got away.

2 - haven't stopped by for while and I like the new look

3 - was it noon when the 'robot love' guy called? maybe it was Paul and he was really drunk.

4 - theater exercise: i'm always partial to improv - requires no prep on your part

5 - Title: That Monkey's Got A Tattoo

Anonymous

#13  10 May 2005 - 09:10

 

I always liked ErkZoom and Freeze and "whether the weather be cold, or whether the weather be hot, we'll we together whatever the weather, whether we like it or not."

And you can always ask the auditionees to suggest one. They can show off, and they'll like that.

I like the working title. It has a lovely internal rhythm, and I can picture it in the review in the paper. "Serenalu directed I took off my shirt... with innovative daring not seen on the Chicago stage since (insert some momentous theatrical occasion here)."

tickledspirit

#14  10 May 2005 - 15:01

 

"Little Crabs"

I now have the song "Radar Love" stuck in my head. It's not bad.

You behaved much better with the Dunkin Donuts people than I would have.

daymented

#15  10 May 2005 - 18:52

 

I have a boyfriend, but I think I still would have stayed on the phone to flirt with robot love guy. Maybe I just like dorks? No, i definetly, like dorks... Also, I completely understand about the dunkin lady giving you more than you wanted. It's the whole buy one get one free even if you don't want two phenominon. Who knows.

Semanticslanting

#16  11 May 2005 - 11:52

 

my dear robot love,
i'd like to have been there to see your face each time you visited dunkin donuts. i'd also like to never be in your position at dunkn donuts..

my dear robot love,
you could call the play "crabalogues".. or crabby love. but milktea's title sounds good too ;) "that donut girl is sneaky" - heh.

as for the warm-ups.. make everyone sing the dialogues as a canon.
i wish i could audition too.

methinks

Anonymous

#17  12 May 2005 - 04:53

 

I don't know, "I took my shirt off to teach you a lesson" is pretty fucking great. I hate the theatre, but if THAT play was advertised in the local paper, I'd SO be there...

adrianne www.notwellplanned.com

Anonymous

#18  12 May 2005 - 16:07

 

Hey, serena. God. I stop reading blogs for a couple months, turn around, and here you get all fancy-pants on me here. I like your new format, babe. You're one step away from getting advertisers, I'm guessing. And then it's just a small leap up to full-time blog punditry, hey?

I'm keeping a new one while I'm in Alaska doing a play, so check it out if you get a chance.

peace,
Karl

www.tundratastic.blogspot.com

Anonymous

#19  09 June 2005 - 13:40

 

Hey Serena. I found this today when I am supposed to be "working" and I forgot how frickin hilarious your life is. I hope all is well. Now I have something to do at work! Thank you so much. Stay HOT!

Dennis

Anonymous

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